I swear raccoons are aliens. I’ve suspected this since I was a teenager, when I first heard them whispering to each other.

Last night, my suspicions were raised again when I awoke to the sound of whispering drifting in through my bedroom window. Peering through the blinds, I caught sight of two sets of glowing eyes in the courtyard trees. Two raccoons clung to the branches, quietly talking with each other in their subtle, silky way.

Yep. Aliens.

You know you wanna believe it. Go ahead. I won’t think you’re crazy. Trust me.

It’s all a matter of time before we learn to obey the quiet commands of the world’s true supreme overlords.